Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
