Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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