you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
