I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
