I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
