someone get that fucking seahorse.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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