my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
