A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
