So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize