How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
