If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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