Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
