god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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