i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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