I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
