good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
