Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
