I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
