you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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