Your face is a jimmy john
She's JV to your varsity
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize