I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
