This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
