They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
