I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize