some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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