wrigley field is MILF paradise
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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