Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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