So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You made out with two different species that night
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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