4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
