omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I cut my penus on the lid.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
