I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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