that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
