yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
