what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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