what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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