ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
