Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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