hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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