You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
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