I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
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