Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
