Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
