I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
