she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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