We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Randomize
