I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Randomize
