When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
