Jerry, you need to find god
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
