i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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