Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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