I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
