the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
