Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
please come you make the beer taste better
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
