I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
