True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
