Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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