I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize