The maid of honor just puked.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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