guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
