Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
